Dear Gabby #3: An Advice Column by, and for Pets

Dear Gabby,
For some reason my humans bought a new litter pan that has a dome on top. I keep bumping my head on the cover when I go inside. What can I do? — Jizzy the Maine coon

Dear Jizzy,
Since you’re one of those supersized felines, I feel for you. A dome? Buckminster Fuller is so passé. It’s hard to understand but cats have been singled out for this hideaway treatment. When’s the last time you saw a human throw a box over a dog doing its business? And I’d like to see them hold umbrellas over their heads when they’re on the toilet. Sorry, I did not mean to give you that image. Forget I mentioned it. But, to answer your question, my advice is to do this: Stick your head into the offending cavern and howl as loud as you can. If this doesn’t give them the message you’re ready for step two. Pretend to get stuck inside. Just make sure they’re in the room in case you really do get stuck in there! If they haven’t remembered to fasten the top down you can get inside and play bucking bronco with the dome. One of these ideas should do the trick. If not, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to miss the pan by a few inches. I know that probably won’t be well received but it will get a message across. Remember, you’re a BIG kitty and you should be able to throw your weight around.

Dear Gabby,
My human tied up the cords from the mini blinds so I can’t chew them anymore! What can I do to get the cords back? They took away my favorite game. —Monroe the tabby

Dear Monroe,
You can always hope that the cords will come unhitched, but really, shame on you, you know that’s not a safe game! What if you get your paw tangled up, you’ll be hanging there until someone comes to your rescue! And have you ever thought what would happen if the dog finds you there, all trussed up? Imagine how humiliated you’d be! What I suggest is finding something else to substitute for the cords like the fringe on the rug, leather shoe laces, or your human’s ponytail.

Dear Gabby,
Last week my human mommy bought a little plastic blob and stuck it on the side of the toilet tank. It stinks really bad and now she won’t let me drink out of the toilet! She said something about germs. Are there germs in the blob thing? —Royce, Border collie

Dear Royce,
Ah, another human with a defective nose. They just don’t have our refined smelling abilities. Perhaps that’s why they keep messing with the air. It’s a wonder they can find things or recognize anyone after playing around with so much perfume. But don’t get me started on those air fresheners, many of which are actually poisonous to pets. In your case, if your mom is keeping the lid down there isn’t a whole lot you can do and you wouldn’t want to drink that water now anyhow, it’s completely ruined. Heaven knows what’s in it, roses, lemons, bleach, UGH, it could be anything! You’ll just have to make do with your water bowl or the garden hose. These are trying times indeed.

Dear Gabby,
I heard my humans say that I am getting too interested in “the birds and the bees”. They aim to take me to the vet. Did I do something wrong? —Baxter, Whippet puppy

Dear Baxter,
This is a very delicate area (no puns intended). You are totally innocent of all crimes except maturing. Watch a few episodes of Dr. Phil and you’ll almost be glad they’re doing this to you. Dames are nothing but trouble.

Mickey Hoffman is the author of the mystery novel, School of Lies, and the soon to be released sequel, Deadly Traffic.
You can visit her at

~ by mickeyhoffman on September 20, 2011.

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