Cat Dictionary and Human Training Offer

by Magnus R. Manx

Bathtub: A deep bed often filled with water and stinky, foaming substances. When it’s filled up, you’ll want to distract your owner from wanting to put you in it. Sink a claw into one of the big towels hanging nearby and let it drop in. If there’s no towel, pounce on the shower curtain so it falls inside. They’ll think you’re in full play mode, and if they see you acting “wild” they’ll really forget about fur washing! If you’re lucky, afterward they’ll leave the tap running and when the tub is empty you can jump for a nice, refreshing drink.

Bowl: A toy that comes in many shapes and sizes. It’s best attributes are the wide open tops and rounded sides that allow you to stick in a paw and slide out whatever is inside. Really a great invention!

Catnap: A human resting behavior that has been mistakenly named after something we cats do when we have done all of our chores and want to catch a few winks. Humans, however, seem to “cat” nap instead of doing something else, often something they don’t really feel like doing.

Computer: Mostly a lighted box with accessories, one of which is a mat with little lumps operated by tip-toeing on them. Another box spits out papers and it’s a real hoot to see if you can catch them before they wind up in a boring pile. Some computers come with a wonderful variety of chewable cords. It’s best to explore all of this in the dead of night because your owner might be somewhat possessive about these items.

Desk: A smooth, flat surface good for practicing your home run slide. Some models also have drawers just chocked with moveable toys. Many humans kindly increase our fun by hiding the toys under piles of papers so we can ferret them out. Occasionally, small food offerings are also left there for us.

Door: A flat, and often hard to move slab that we are always told we’re on the wrong side of. Humans seem to have stronger feelings about one of the sides of some doors and do not understand the necessity of being able to move from one side to the other. You will notice, however, that the litter boxes with domes never have doors on them at all. I say, what’s good for them should be good for us.

Houseplant: A live plant our humans have brought in for us to inspect and show them how to enjoy. It is obvious that they need this help since they don’t seem to know that these things are exactly the same as the wheatgrass they are always giving us to chew on.

Litter Box: A tray filled with often hilarious substances (what will they think of next?) given to us for our “convenience” and apparently for our amusement. The contents can be dug up and kicked about or flung over one shoulder in some instances. What fun! The humans often try to imitate us by digging into the litter themselves, but they never leave it in quite the right shape.

Scratching post: A pole usually shaped like a tree trunk, but lacking the challenges of one. Although it’s painfully obvious what our humans want us to use these for, we get much less attention using the posts compared to when we do the exact same thing on the sofa, so why bother?

Train Your Human in Just One Weekend!
A short course in human behavior by Delia Wippet —– Order Now!

Train your human to:
• never run out the door without you.
• understand your directions the first time.
• stop secret, midnight eating and chewing.
• allow you take things out of his/her mouth.
• fetch your misplaced tennis balls and toys.
• let you exercise wherever you want.

Mickey Hoffman is the author of the mystery novel School of Lies and the upcoming sequel, Deadly Traffic.
Visit her website at

~ by mickeyhoffman on August 28, 2011.

2 Responses to “Cat Dictionary and Human Training Offer”

  1. A lovely cat post…I am familiar with all these things, and am a very well-trained human now. I get up and open the door at 2:00 a.m. if my feline friend requires this, and I am also available at all hours for the dispensing of cat treats. There are, however, still a few parts of Meow which I do Not Understand…

  2. Well, give yourself a treat also, you deserve it for your excellent behavior.

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