Insane Pet Products: A Review

These pet product reviews were compiled by The Delta Pet Inquirer’s marketing experts, Buddy the Parakeet and Lance Bulldog
It never ceases to amaze us what’s out there in the stores. We’ve seen our humans bring home items that, frankly, make us shake with laughter. Our team of secret shoppers went out recently and found several more “pet” items that you may find interesting to say the very least. (We can’t use any brand names because we can’t afford to wind up in court.) And you might want to keep your human away from this article in case they’ve already bought these things — we don’t want to hurt their feelings, they mean well.

Chewable Famous Rubber Humans. What a concept. First of all, if we want to we can chew real humans, can’t we? Second, we don’t really get excited about chewing a replica of some middle-aged politician or an infamous foreign ruler. Conclusion: this toy is really not for us. I guess our humans need an excuse to get themselves some presents once in a while and we won’t go into the psychology behind the purchase of a rubber dictator. Frankly, I have more fun chewing my daddy’s new luggage, but I guess it’s the thought that counts.

Dog Goggles. Really. For the racing dog? Advertised as a way to keep the wind off a dog’s face as he sticks his head out of the car. Next they’ll be issuing helmets and special knee pads for us when we go for walks. Hrumph! Naturally, they come in idiotic patterns and styles, sure to make us the laughing stock of the block. We bet these things really cut down on your vision too.

Traveling bags, designed to take us on airplanes, advertise how easy they are to carry, how they have a collapsible frame and a comfortable pad inside. The bag is also waterproof. Does it rain inside planes these days? So, does this mean they’re sending us through one of those pat-you-down airline inspection stations? Personally, if some uniformed stranger tries patting me down to look for a box cutter, I’ll bite their fingers off!

Calmative Plug-in for Cats. This one has us really wondering, should we start a Just Say No campaign? What could they be putting in it, anyhow? The ad says that it calms cats and helps reduce stress in transport. How do you plug it in while “in transport?” Maybe that traveling bag has an outlet inside it.

Shedding Reduction Fluid. Now here’s one that had us rocking. Yea, we also get tired of finding Fluffy’s fur around, but get this, the Fluid is chicken flavored! The ad says it’s just like gravy. Is that supposed to be a selling point? Cover your pet with chicken gravy? Oh oh, could this be some kind of kinky thing?

Carpet Cleaning Kit. yet another clean-up product; do you see a trend here? We do need to help our humans get over their compulsive cleaning behaviors. This one is a Kar-pet Kleaning Kit which in spite of that stupid name, has normal spot removing ingredients. The label says it’s purr-fect for “immediate” cleanup. (They’re so cutsie, aren’t they?) Immediate? So that means they have to follow us around and wait for a mess to happen? They’re supposed to be playing with us, not waiting for disaster!

Glow in the dark cat collar. This totally ruins the whole point of being a cat, in our view.
Cats are supposed to be sneaky. Sure, we product analysts may be a tiny bit biased here being a bird and a dog, but we still can see how the average cat doesn’t always want to be seen. Hmm, now that we think of it, maybe the collar’s not such a bad idea.

Purring CD. A CD that gives one hour of purring sounds from a “real” cat. Even a guru would love this. But, we know this one isn’t really for our use, it’s for the humans. And you know if they buy it they’ll be going, “Fluffy, listen to this, doesn’t it sound just like a kitty?” What do we care? That’s the point, isn’t it, they’re supposed to be petting us and we will take care of their stress!

Bird Diapers! We don’t even want to discuss this, it’s so very embarrassing! You are probably wondering how these things stay on. It seems that they’re sort of like a jumpsuit — very 1972, eh?

Privacy Screen for the litter box. Is is that what every kitty wants for their birthday? Not. We aren’t fooled one bit; it’s just another way to tell cats their bathroom area isn’t nice. This screen is constructed from lightweight materials, so as far as we can tell, and will make a great game of “knock-over, pounce, drag, and tent” around the litter pan. The item is also water-repellent —- what do they think cats are aiming for anyway? Why not paint a target on it, then? Anyway, this one gets a four paw rating for the multitude of possibilities it presents.

Bacon flavored bubbles. Now that’s what we call a toy for a dog who really has everything. The bubbles we aren’t able to catch and lick away will remain to coat the house with bacon flavored residue. Oh, wait, we get it. This is made by the same people that sell the cleaning products!

Well, those are just some of the things that are out there on the market. Hope we haven’t offended anyone. We are just broadening consumer knowledge. I’m not sure how we can keep our humans from liking these things, I guess we just have to keep them too busy to shop.

Mickey Hoffman is the author of the mystery novel, School of Lies and the upcoming mystery, Deadly Traffic.
Her website is

~ by mickeyhoffman on August 10, 2011.

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