Dear Gabby, Advice Column for Pets V2.

Written by and for pets, by Labby Von Schnoring

Dear Gabby,
Why does my human run near me with a squirt bottle? Sometimes she even gets me wet.—– Sharpy, cat
Dear Sharpy, This goes back to her childhood. As we pets know all too well, the eventual maturation of the human species is quite suspect. There is a toy called a squirt gun that young humans play with. If your human still had her old squirter pistol, I’m sure she’d never mistakenly hit the spot where you’re standing, but with a spray bottle, how accurate can she be? It’s best to hide if you see her picking up the bottle, wait for her infantile mood to pass, and hope she doesn’t short out an electrical outlet in her delirium.

Dear Gabby,
I keep getting blamed for tipping over the garbage cans when it’s really my brother Zac. What can I do about this?— Lajudui, dog, Laguna, CA
Dear Lajudui, You have to build up a reputation for honesty yourself so you don’t come under suspicion. Chew up some shoes, drop them right in front of Zac and call your daddy over right away. When the deed is discovered, act ashamed for your brother. Do this a few times and you should see some justice.

Dear Gabby,
My humans always cover up the sofa when they take me out of the cage. Do they think that I am afraid of it?—– Trixie, parrot
Dear Trixie, Humans don’t always know what we are thinking. In this case, your best option is to immediately go over and land on every single piece of naked furniture in the room, making sure they see how much you love it.

Dear Gabby,
When I came home from the fish store and got placed into the aquarium, my new tankmates asked me to introduce myself and I said I didn’t have a name, but everyone at the store was calling me Nemo. All of the other fish started laughing at me. Then my owner decided to call me Max. Why all the confusion, and should I be offended?—– Max, clownfish
Dear Max, You poor dear. Just because every little kid that came into the store looked at you and shouted “NEMO” didn’t mean that your name is Nemo. Haven’t you heard about that movie? No? Well, that’s for the best. Whatever your new human wants to call you, pretend to love it because you’ll get more food that way.

Dear Gabby,
Why don’t humans hold still in bed even when they’re supposed to be sleeping?—– Bogie, cat
Dear Bogie, Humans are just balls of tension! You can help. First relax the moving body parts by kneading the tight muscles. Then leap on their neck, providing nice, even pressure down the spinal column. If they still can’t get settled, help them adjust their environment for better relaxation. This is best done in the dark. It’s the little things you can do that count; for example, help them adjust the window blinds or curtains and straighten the little picture frames on the dresser for better feng shui.

Mickey Hoffman is the author of the mystery novel, School of Lies and the forthcoming mystery, Deadly Traffic.
Visit my website at www.mickeyhoffman.com

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~ by mickeyhoffman on July 31, 2011.

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