A Dog’s Dictionary. Written by dogs of course.

Excerpts from a Dog’s Dictionary, compiled by quadrupedal readers of the Delta Pet Inquirer a journal by and for pets.

Bath: An activity when your owners undertake to wash the floor, the walls and give themselves a nice drenching too. Help them out by dancing around and shaking yourself frequently.
Bed: Something that’s useful for dogs the way a napkin is to a human. After you have eaten, it’s polite to go over to the bed, lie down and wipe your mouth clean.
Bikes: A device with 2 wheels which was made to help you lose weight and keep fit. First hide, then charge, and run along with it for a while barking as loud as you can to get maximum cardiovascular benefits.
Cupcakes: Small, chewy little cast-off pieces of sweet bread with papers still stuck to them. They are easier for your human to dispose of if you help by removing the papers and the sticky stuff on top. What you do with the crumbs is up to you.
Drool: What you do when your owner has something to eat and you don’t. Proper deportment is to sit close, look sad and let it fall on their lap.
Leash: Something like a ribbon that can be hooked to your collar so you can lead your owner where you want him/her to go.
Stuffed Animal: Not a very good replica of a real animal, brought home by your owners who think they’ve brought you a real companion. Grip the thing tightly between jaws and paws and rip open so that the stuffing is visible and your owner can understand it’s not real. If you have to, shake it around until they notice.
Trash Bin: A container expressly created to test critical thinking and problem solving skills. (It’s puzzling, why these things are routinely emptied into big trucks when so many fragrant, useful items lie inside!) So time is of the essence, no pun intended. These devices often can be opened while standing on hind legs. In certain models, further manipulation may be required–most challenging without opposable thumbs. If the puzzle is correctly solved there are tons of things in there to chew on and play with.
Thunder: Humans don’t seem to know this is the signal that the world is coming to an end. In order to make sure they understand this, fall into a frenzy and stick to them wherever they go.

Thanks for reading! Mickey is author of the mystery novel School of Lies and the soon to be released, Deadly Traffic.Please check out my website at http://www.mickeyhoffman.com or visit me on Facebook.

~ by mickeyhoffman on July 22, 2011.

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