The Delta Pet Inquirer, written by and for pets

Today’s featured article is:

Dear Gabby,
Why does my new owner leave newspaper on the floor in the bathroom? — Jason, puppy, Davis, CA
Dear Jason, I can think of two reasons off paw. If your owner is a male, he just may have left them there after reading them. (OOHH, did I really say that?) The other reason is that you might have been a little wee careless, not to make a pun. Have you been waiting to do your business outside? It’s time to face reality, Jason. There are some things you can’t do inside the home!

Dear Gabby,
What’s up with this tooth brushing? — Helina, Persian cat, Chicago, IL.
Dear Helina, purr and bear it! The best thing for you is daily brushing with cat paste. Don’t gripe, it’s flavored isn’t it? I hear that those little rubbery fingerlike brushes make the best toys, so you might want to watch and see where your human hides it. Just remember to make it look like she dropped it somewhere after you’re done playing with it.

Dear Gabby,
My owners don’t let me play dig, they have to get in on the act. What can I do? — Fetchit, dog, Ames, Iowa
Dear Fetchit, it’s a well known fact about humans that if you bury something they immediately want to play too. They also seem to frown upon having bald patches in their grass so they always fill in every decent hole after they are done playing. Maybe you can put some bones or toys under the carpet for them to play with and they will leave your turf alone.

Dear Gabby,
My human is following an unhealthy sleep schedule. How do I get her on mine? — Rex, cat, Atlanta, GA
Dear Rex, You must be a kitten or you would have figured this out already. Just wait till she’s all tucked in and go for the toes or chest with your best pounce. A few cheek licks and paw pats to the nose should follow. If you’re not getting the proper response, kneading her neck should do it. For a finale, knocking a trash can over is effective. Good Luck!

The Delta Pet Inquirer: A paper by the pet, for the pet and about the pet
Something to read when we’re in the litter box
Complete, unshredded and uncensored!
Something to read alongside our owners instead of their boring papers
Sophisticated, literate and let’s not quibble–it’s free

Mickey Hoffman is the author of Kendra Desola mystery novel School of Lies and the soon to be published Deadly Traffic. Visit for more information.

~ by mickeyhoffman on July 13, 2011.

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