Customer Service anyone?

Computer trouble? Recently, to avoid torture by phone robot, I used the online chat option. Come with me and relive my most recent experience, which went like this:

YOU ARE NOW CONNECTED TO OUR ONLINE CUSTOMER HELPLINE.
Agent: Hello. My name is Bob. How can I help you?
Me: My computer has been crashing ever since I installed your software. The error message directly relates to your software!
Bob: I am sorry to hear about your problem and understand the frustration this would cause. I apologize for any inconvenience. Please be assured that I will do my best to help you. When did your problem start?
Me: Two weeks ago. Like I just said, after I installed your software.
Bob: I do apologize and understand that this matter has been ongoing for some time. Can you please tell me what is the error message?
I type in the information.
Bob: What you are doing when the error message comes up?
Me: At first, when I tried to run your software it crashed with that error message. I finally just uninstalled the whole package. But even after uninstalling your product, my computer still crashes with the same error message!
I list the multitude of instances when the computer has crashed.
Bob: Am I right in saying that you had the problem with the software and you have uninstalled it and now you are still having the problem?
I groan and type affirmative.
Bob: All right. I will be very pleased to help you in any way I can. Which version of our software are you using?
I give Bob information about the product. He asks me to wait. I wait.
Bob: I do thank you for your patience. You are having the problem because one of your programs crashes. That error comes up when a program stops working.
My fingers try to strangle the keyboard at this supremely idiotic statement of the obvious. Bob is so lucky he’s not in the room. Maybe if I ask about something specific in the error message itself I’ll find out something helpful.
Me: What is a debugger? I looked up that error message on the internet. I’m not the only one with this problem relating to your software but none of the fixes that were suggested online have worked for me.
Bob: May I ask you some information about your computer?
He has me go into SYSCONFIG, DXDiag etc., meanwhile giving me his deepest sympathies. I’m beginning to wonder if his day job is at a funeral home.
Bob: Based on my research and experience, your problem can be caused by incompatible third party programs or corrupted driver.
Me: In other words, you’re saying it has nothing to do with your software?
Bob: Did you try uninstalling the software and installing it again?
Me: I told you, I already uninstalled it. Then, I did install it again. Twice.
Bob: You are saying you tried reinstalling the software. Did you use the Microsoft uninstaller?
Me: Yes.
Bob: Okay, Miss. I am sending you some links. I want you to first download RegistryNuke.exe and run it. After that, download BitsofCrapExterminator.exe from their website and run that. Then…
Bob sends me two more links for other utilities that sound equally nefarious.
Me: Are you sure these things are safe to use?
Bob: I am sorry, but I can’t guarantee software made by any other company. I appreciate your cooperation in doing this. After you finish, go ahead and install our product again.
Me: Can’t you help? I’m never sure which files are safe to get rid of.
Bob: I do apologize, but we do not support products that are not made by us. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: No, thanks.
I cut the connection.

To this day, I still have the same error message and my computer is still crashing. However, I got a full refund when I returned the software.

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~ by mickeyhoffman on February 2, 2010.